[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I’ve been learning to cook.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
🤣🤣🤣
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.