Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
The Punning Dead.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”