Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
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Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
when dads have a rap battle
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?