Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Smells like a challenge to me
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
incredible
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
lmfao
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!