Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
pat pat
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]