Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

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Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.


If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.


Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.


Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.


“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.


I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.


Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”