Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Pale in color
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.
—me flirting with a chemist
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.