@junejuly12

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

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@mrsauntiepam

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

@CornOnTheGoblin

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

@theDanLawler

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@JohnHilsen

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

@jonnysun

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

@CourtneyBale

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

@aka_fatman

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

@Brianhopecomedy

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.