Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*