@junejuly12

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

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@sweetmomissa

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

@PinkCamoTO

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

@thepaulasuzanne

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@badbanana

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

@Social_Mime

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

@Try2StopME

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”