Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.