Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Body by sandwich.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.