friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?