F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
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Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018