Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Smooooooth
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Meow
Chemical wingman
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.