Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
What personal space?
My dog
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.