[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’