friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again