Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
screw you
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.