Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My typo game is string.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Just me and my debit card against the world
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?