@Thuggedraccoon

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

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@jwoodham

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

@AudreyPorne

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

@EricaWhoToYou

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

@Dawn_M_

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

@desiswaaag

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

@SoulYodeler

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

@TheWillOShow

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

@dvoted_hubsand

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”