frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
You Might Also Like
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun