Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Velcrow
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”