Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
thanks auntie mary
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
RT if you could go either way.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.