Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

(Musicians.)

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say