Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation