Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.