Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
This 4th of July, please remember…
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂