From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
The dark side of Canada
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.