From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this