From Facebook just now…
You Might Also Like
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.