FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Important reminders
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.