From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
guilty
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”