Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste