From my Mom
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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Every work meeting this week
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
mood
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Swedish for common sense.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.