From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?