From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*