From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.