From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

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A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.


I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.


A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch


Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!


[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?


Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”


Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense