From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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Love is always patient and kind.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
A classic…
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions