A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense