From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.