From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
*pronounces UPS like yoops
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.