From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine