From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Guy who likes music
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
The news in a nutshell.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT