From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma