[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
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I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.