@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

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@MatCro

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

@TheSofiya

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

@SvnSxty

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

@Tbone7219

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

@Shariv67

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

@conor_tripler

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

@LindaInDisguise

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.