@SarahKSilverman
@MatCro [murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
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@MatCro 
@TheSofiya Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
@knitOneFUCKYOU it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
@ArfMeasures ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
@SvnSxty *viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
@Reverend_Scott [funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
@Tbone7219 *goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
@Shariv67 My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
@conor_tripler i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
@LindaInDisguise I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.