From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Bless you
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot