From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.