[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I love it all
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.