*frowns in Scottish*
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur