Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.