Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Baller is short for ballerina
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”