Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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A decision was made here.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.