Fruity
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
#TopTip
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
cyclists
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
you have three unread messages
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.