Fruity
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(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.