“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
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Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
guys i’ve cracked the code
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Autocorrect is my menesis
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
That earthquake could have been an email.
my professor scared me for a second
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”