“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I have a black belt in leather
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”