Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
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I only say stupid things when I talk.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”