“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour