fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
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What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean