Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
You Might Also Like
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry